Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I can’t stop watching this.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*