flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.