Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon