[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.