i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Cake!!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Running from your problems is cardio .
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.