We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
It was worth a shot 😂
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.