My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup