Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
The biggest mystery of our time
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
me refusing to leave twitter
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.