Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
😂 amazing answer
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
why I oughta
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle