[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*weighs self after shaving
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Yoga Matt
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.