you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down