My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable馃檮
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter鈥檚 forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
When you鈥檝e already coughed 3 times in class and you鈥檙e trying not to cough again
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
getting carded isn鈥檛 cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i鈥檓 not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
There鈥檚 no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Sometimes I worry that my son鈥檚 childhood is too happy and he won鈥檛 be funny when he鈥檚 older.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I鈥檓 carrying* no, of course not
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.