Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.