I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Have kids, they said
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
when dads have a rap battle
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog