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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you