[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
live, laugh, laundry.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.