Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
sistine chapel
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.