[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I hope this email punches you square in the face
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I unironically love this joke.