Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
boat question
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Buying a well is money well spent.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy