Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Last-minute gift idea!
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Teach your children to beatbox
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Hitlers gonna hitl
these two trucks have the same bed length
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*