Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”