A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]