How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Oh my God.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
No chill.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.