I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.