Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.