my name if I was in the mob
You Might Also Like
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy