I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…