It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.