Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.