How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
incredible book dedication
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.