6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
happy valentine’s day to me
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you