I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99