A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You Might Also Like
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.