Did I do this right
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”