my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Saturday
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Any refunds available?…
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
what could possibly go wrong?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I gave up going to work for lent.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?