I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You Might Also Like
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.