When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
did it work
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro