I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
WHO DID THIS?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.