Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.