My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You Might Also Like
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
eggs benadryl
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.