“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*