*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
How your email finds me
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭