The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Hotels are back
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey