I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You Might Also Like
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter