ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.