[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
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This forever.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down