Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON