Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Banana is the quietest snack
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight