Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
That’s it.I’m out.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.