I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You Might Also Like
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My dog learned how to text
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried